woow~ i havent posted here in so long. i truly missed it too~ this is SUCH a pretty blog, much prettier in some respects than my other one. thought i may have to customize it to look like this one because i dearly love the layout here. grey is such an amazing lack of color~ ;p its so pretty and looks great with orange. though i prefer darker grey. XD or is it gray.. hrmm.. anyhow~
alot has happened, and thing has happened at all. i am the same, yet different. XD ah yes, such aradoxes. well to sum it up, in 16 now~ w00+ i aged. xD and ive had a good summer too, ive been hanging out with my friends, i went on a short vacation, ive seen alot of people, thought i havent gone to japan. ;p thats next summer, applied for my first job, and sm still waiting to see if ill ever get it.
i love baroque now ryoe and kei will be my friends~ *ahem* : but anyhow. i will definetly start posting here soem more. and i will add this link to my other blog on my space. :
lalalala today i am... going to spend the night at caras :D lestat is SOOOOOO hott. :X yes i must have him~ ;p it seems to me that i am going to have a harem of asian guys. XD *amused* well anyhow i will let you go because i have to be somplace soon~ jyaa~ -kai who is now going to start posting here some more~
hehe it means " i feel good" XD yes, that was your japanese lesson for the day
and it WAS a good day too~ :
well, i went to class in the morning. and i had a weird dream the night before, good, but weird. im not going to tell you about it here though. lol. sorry. its kind of weird. and... well, yeah. :/ lol. XD haha. im happy right now, sorry. :P
thennnn..... i went ot go look for a present for molly. but i couldnt find anything i thought shed like. and trust me, i went everywhere. XD so in the end i got the weirdest card i could find, and... i dunon why but i had to get it . o-o' it was just so.. strange. hehe. and then i gave her money cause... well, yeah. i couldnt think of anything else. lol. so shopping took until like... noon. lol. hrm.. then i went home and logged in for a bit before deciding i should sleep.
whoah, i slept a WHOLE bunch. llol. like.. from 2-5:30. dude, so much sleep. lol. but then i got up and got rady to go to molys party/:
her party was alotta fun! haha. we played super smash bro's and talked. and then she tried to teach us poker. XD i wasnt very good, but it was still fun. : and we watched part of this uberly odd scottish movie where you couldnt tell they were still speaking english becuase they had such heavy scottish accents. XD it was amusing. L and tthheennn.... hmm... what else happened? ..... XD me and cara tried to balance on a skateboard. XD no avail really. and thhennn.... oh!~ we watched some funny videos she had too. one her and cara had made. :p it was so cute. hehe. and another was one with her and her brother. it was so funny. :p hm... oh~
sami called me. lol. but she called when i was at mollys so i didnt get to talk to her much. thats okay though. she went to akon!~ yay. hehe i must see pictures ai!~
anyhow, my friend geoff went too. : he sent me pictures of it. hehe. it looked so much fun!~ : i hope me and Nichole can go next year. but we're already going to oni con too, so i hope we can go to Akon. but my dad said okay as long as i wias with nichole, so im sure i can go. : then we can be FAN GIRLY!~ dun dun dun.
haha.. : OH!~ molly loaned me her bright eyes cd!~ : thanks ,molly!~ :
annnd.... ;-; i want my JENNYYYYY!!!!!!!! :/ i seriously miss her. i want to call her. but i cannnt... shes SO far awayyy!~ i know i keep comlplaining, but maybe she'll come home sooner. :/ i wish. lol. i miss my best friend. but thank god cara came ome!~ : i missed her too. lol. i wonder if i can go play lazer tag tomorrow qith some people. lol.
mm.. i havent updated here in a while. gomen ne? its just that i started a my space account with ai-sans help and have been updating there. i havent abandoned this blog though!~ honest!~ anyhow, this past week has been pretty interesting. most of my really good friends are out on vacation but today i get to go see harry potter with a bunch of my friends!~ which is always good. hehe. im excited. but i wish i could go see it with my best est est est friend jenny!~ sadly shes in greece and athens and london though. : but i hope shes having a lotta fun!~ : she has to bring back a cute britt guy for me!~ haha. " hmm.. id like to order... oliver wood please!~" XD oh i love my jenny!~ :p and then that other movies coming out... the bad beginning!~ XD i was SO shocked when she told me... anyhow.. the greates news itss...
DIR EN GREY IS PUTTING OUT A NEW SINGLE ON MY BIRTHDAY!!! okay, itd be better if it was an album, but hey, a single is still great!~ : oh i LOVE my kyo sooo much. he made it come out on my birthday as a present to meee!!!! XD i wish!~ BUT HEY I CAN DREAM, RIGHT?~ : haha, im SO overly excited and i prolly wont but it, but ill d/l it and then buy it when it comes out on the album along with "the final" and the other songs they're working on!~ :
ive been downloading dir u clips and i go the cutest one of die and toshi kissingf!~ well.. die has this weird mask tihngy on and then he kissies toshi!~ XD its SO cute. and i have one of shinya carrying and spinning toshiya around. XD toshiya so cslutty!~ *scolds* but hes still cute!~ :p not as cute as my wittle kyo-sama.!~ :
anyways....
i started mine and shas konogoro "these days" site. : its coming along nicely. i have to finish assembling it though. but im def going to finish it sometime this next week.
molly turned 16!~ : happy birthday... again~ lol. and yes im still wearing the party hat!~ :p
yay! today was the last day of actual school. oh how im going to miss some of them. ;-; i love them all so much. :x no more fun and stupid lunches with cara or brittnee or great photojournalism classes where i get to be fangirly with Ai. and no more laughing so hard i thin i could die spanish periods with chelsi and ruthizzle. ;-; but thats okay, i kNOW i will see them all sooo much over the summer. this is the first time ive actually had a whole bunch of real friends
anyhow, i started yet ANOTHER journal thingy on My Space. : its quite neat.
well i dont feel like updating. later~ i will soon!~ proomisseee
haha, so i finally got it loaded. for the past few days ive been abandoninf this little blog for my devi art account. :/ sumimasen, ne? : anyhow, hope you like the plastic tree layout. its alot different than my dir en grey design. i think im going to make it differnt later on though. but i'll do that later. : so anyhow
i hate school oh so much. lol. but im still so glad i actualy made friends this year! : i love them all so much and im going to miss Ai-san sooo much next year. ;-; but we'll keep in touch, i know it! :
anyhow, im really sleepy right now. and i dont have much to say either.
i got a pretty good book from the library on monday. its about an american/japanese assasin. :
oh~ you should see shi's deviant art account! : she loaded stuff.
i got the new blink 1832 cd. well.. its not really new anymore. but i got it. and . .. well.. i dunno. i just cant listen to american music anymore. ;-;
anyhow, we got a vocalist if i havent told you. we're going to meet on sunday for our first practice with him hopefully. : i am also now the band leader. XD i cant believe Dis-traction is actually going somewhere. o-o' amazing!~ haha, anyhow. i hope it turns out okay. he seems nice. so i think it'll go fine.
well, i have to go now because i have to get to school early to make up this test thingy i should have done a few weeks ago. XD im such a procrastinator!~ for everything! :
yesterday was alot of fun!~ hehe. ai came over aroudn 2 and we hung out until kevin and molly came over around 3. : they are so great and fun to be around hehe. so we talked for a little bit and watched sami try to squish taru tarus in ffxi.. :p then we watching an anime kevin had brought over. it was pretty good, thought poor Ai-san didnt like it. hehe. then we ate and talked a bit more until we went outside and played basletball for a while. then they left around 8. and ai stayed a little later. we plastic sword fighteed!~ XDD it was so funny. hehe shes so great. :
well anyhow, i had a great saturday.
today was a normal day. i woke up rather late then ate. and kevin caleld and switched me to shiva on ffxi so i could play with him. and then he had to go and so did i . so i went to see troy. : it was a really good movie. thought my mom hates fighting movies i love them so...yeha. then we went out to eat and i came home and i went shopping and it was fn!~ XD i got a purse that ive been wanting which is weird for me to want one cause i dont usually like stuff liket hat. but anyhow... yep. i made a new layout for my blog so im going to update it with it pretty soon. : i also aded stuff to my deviant art account. check it outs ometim!~ haha i have soop many blogs and websits. lets count... Xanga, LiveJournal, Tblog, my Geocities one, my Deviant Art, my Glass Mirage stie, my Cold windz Site, my FF8 site, my Kaishi site, My KawaiiKandi site, my super old DA's Realm site, my EXIT site and now... soon to be my dis-traction site. : wow im a site freak. XD oh well. i get bored.
the very first dir en grey song i heard. and i hated it at first. lol. and now... im in love! XD
anyhow... lala... im goingt o see TS's play tonight! and i got to hang out with kevin today at lunch. and hes coming over tomorrow possible. sadly molly cant come.. well she might be able to. i hope she can. but samis gonna be over too. : and im going to see the play with her tonight so that'll be fun. : i have to clean though. XD
well... i have soo much homework. oh i got my cds!~
Dragonash is rather odd X-japan is beautifully sad as always Raphael.. uhh yeah. Glay: YAY!~ and Dir en grey... ;-; simply wonderful. i cant listen to one song ont he cd without finishing the rest, : theyre that wonderful . oh i made these avis of me. haha im not vain, i just get bored and i think ive made too many kyo ones. XD but i made tons of those then too. so ill put them here later on. :
smile for me i'll smile for you lets hold hands just like we used to
lalala... :x
yeah kay... *sighs* i just want to get out of school right now. lol. as much as i love it in someways, i despise it in many others. butoh well. i missed most of today... okay... 3 periods, but still... because i had an orthodontist appoint. i got them off!~ yay!~ haha. but i still wont smile for you. :
so ilm listening to plastic tree and praying that my cd's arent in the mailbox cuz if they are then they're mostlikely wet. ;-; poor poor dir en grey cd. *smiles* ryutaros voice is so calming. it makes me want to sleep. and pretend he's singing to me. : my ryu is so the greatest.
ah... i hate people. the world would be so much better without them. well.. most of them. there are some that are okay. : anyhow... i dont know what to type really...schools been pretty normal the past few days. :/ some weird stuff happened on monday.. but i guess that doesnt really matter... hmm... i took a test to get into dual credit this summer and i passed. : yay. well... yeah.
i feel like im bleeding. weird huh? but i do.. :x its so scary. cause i know im not. oh well!~
: i had ... OH YEAH!~
me and Ai went to the mall on monday!~ ; it was soo funny. i bought a devo cd. :xxx i dislike devo so much. XD i thought they were gonna be like polysics cause it says "for fans of devo" ... its not. at all. XD then we saw... OISHII!~ : in all of his sexyness. haha, his hair is certainly the prettiest. : so kawaii!~ but now we wanna go back with me as kyo and her a schoolgirl and act all funny. : i thikn we should. :
well.. yeah. im gonna go!~
-kai, whos pretty confused right now and feels like crumbling up.
ah.. i love that poem.. song... poem... song... thing!~ from chrono cross. so beautiful and powerful all at the same time. i miss that game. i should play it agian. i always wanted to live somewhere that colourful after i played it. so peaceful and relaxed. they could spend quiet days by the beutiful beach, like the destiny islands from ffx. anyhow now that im done being cheesy...
today was a really good day. haha. yeah.. it really was. ^^ i enjoyed it. i met kevin today. he was really really nice. we had alot to talk about too. so odd, huh? since im always like.. "i have nothing to say... :xx" but i also felt comfortable in a weird way that i was still scared around him. :x but im always so worried people wont like me. 8sigh* i should get over that right? i mean... they're going to think what they're going to think and theres nothing i can do to change that. sadly... my emotions wont listen to my head. stupid insides. XD anyhoow... ^^ it was alot of fun. i really want to see him agian soon... :/ but.. but.. mou... im so afraid of peple! stupid me. anyhow.. about the rest of my day..
i went to see in a new york minute with jenny!~ LD shes the greatest friend i could ever ask for. haha. we had soo much fun!~ XD there were cuteish skaterguys skaing while we were getting gas and jennt leaned over to get something and her bum stuck out the window. and it was SOOO funny cause they all were like.. "uhh..." and i looked away from them to laugh at jenny XD im so kind, ne? and then when she sat back down they were gone. so we were like 'XDDD you scared them off!~ " then we went shopping. omg. oishii0chan!~~ so kawaii!~ XD then we chatted happily until 9 wheni came back home..
ah... today was a great day. ^^ though i was soo scared almost all day. lol
-kai, who thinks life is going just fine right now and would really like to get to know kevin more. ^^
bored out of my mind right now. lol hmm... i tihnk im gettng fatter. :X i must diet agian!~ and this time go on a strict diet!~ no food at all!! XD okay, i couldnt do that... but how does... fruit and water sound? ick.. water bleh... no... i dunno.. ill just... stop eating a whole lot. :XXX
my aunti is coming over.. kuso i have to clean
OH!~ ive been studying japanese!~
i can say--
eigoga wakarimas ka? (i think i spelt everything right? :XX) and...
iie, watashi wa nihongoga sukoshi wakarimas! or... iie, watashi wa nihongoga wakarimasen!~ (i dont speak japanese/ i speak a little)
its gotten to the point where simply looking at picture of kyo will bring tears to my eyes. its so frustrating. i cant be with him. and i know i wont ever. so i dont know why i let myself feel this way. its annoying. why cant i just understand that hes OUT OF MY REACH! but whatever. its true, hes so beautiful, im many ways. : /
anyhow... i love life and i hate it at the same time. i love life because its magical, because its amazing if you think about what life truly is. but i hate it at the same time... because i cant be with who i want and i cant be myself. im laways so scared. i hate that.
so anyhow...
heres a little list of ...
Things i Want to Do: (not in orderf from most important to least)
- pass 10th grade - graduate next year - be happy - dye my hair - get all the dir en grey cds - go to a plastic tree cd - Go to japan - live in japan -have a job in japan - work in the record industry - paint a picture. ^^ - meet kyo - fall in love (with kyo?) - meet Ryutaro - play in a band - find a guitarist for the band - find a vocalist - desing clothes maybe - see my best friend - go to a club - find oishii-san - leanr japanese - learn german - start a morning musume esce group - make more friends - go to a jrock concert! -go to a dir en grey concert -with back stage passes - and do kyos makeup - be taller? XD cant do that - buy 6 - 12 inch platforms (sadly i cant find 12 inch l-l)
hi. my name is Shi or Kai and im 15 years old. I go to high school (i'm a sophomore) everyday except for the weekends and holidays, and the occasional day when i'm sick. I have a mom and a dad and little brother who is 11. I'm not gorgeous or pretty, but i'm not hideous either. I'm not tall, i'm short but there are shorter people. I had normal brown hair and everyday brown eyes. I'm not thin, but im not fat either. I'm not stupid but im not the smartest person either. I can draw, but not as well as some people. I enjoy drawing, photography, art or any sort, singing (I'm horrible though), playing guitar, and bass, and piano. I am also im love with going to japan and living there. I have wonderful friends who i love very much and who i know love me back. I also have a best friend who means the world to me. I love japanese music, but i like just about any kind except for country and rap. I love sunny days and spring and summer. I enjoy going to the beach and sitting near my window looking outside. I love flowers and tiny little cute things. I'm not an especially nice person, but i dont think im the meanest either. I try to be kind to people, and it doesnt always work, but i try. I'm fairly optimistic, but sometimes things just seem hopeless and then i want to give up. Everyday i wake up and start the same routine. I live my life normally, i'm not a wild person, but i do wish i could be impulsive now and then. I have no pets, but sometimes i wish i had a cat or something. I'm quiet generally, unless i'm comfortable around the person i'm with. I don't think very highly of myself, i have so many flaws. But i dont want any pity and i dont sulk around. I try to make the best of whats around me and i try. But i'm also quite lazy and dont enjoy trying. I change my mind often. Oh, my favourite color is orange. I love asian people and i like a certain japanese guy by the name of Kyo. But i dont really like him, i dont even really know him. I wish i could fastfoward through the rest of my highschool and college years. I want to work in the record industry or do something with art. I would love to be a record producer or something. But a small job would suit me to. But whatever i do, i want to be in japan, away from everything here. I wish i could be someone else, that i could be perfect. People are always expecting so much of me, and i know i cant do it. But i can try i suppose. I enjoy being busy, i love to always have something to do. Oh, i like fruit alot. lol. But i wish i could just live on my own now. Its not that i dont like my parents, its just that i want to move on with my life because i feel like i dont have any time left. Its weird, huh? I'm only 15, but i feel like im pressed for time. I dunno. But i love being able to notice small things. I also want to fall in love with someone great. But that doesnt happen easily, since i cant make it happen. I'm scared of people too, generally. And i dont mind if people use me. I dont mean that in a sense that they can use me for sex or anything, i just mean that in a way that if someone doesnt like me but still hangs out with me because they just want a friend or something, then that doesnt really bother me because i know people are like that alot of times and i just have to live with it and acept people for who they are. Ivealways been told i can do anything and be anything i want to be. But now i think that is a lie, My dreams are so close yet so far away and i feel so lost and out of contorl right now. There are so many things i want to see and experience but i have to wait. I feel like im wasting my life by just staying here and i want to get out of school and college as soon as possible. Not so i can work but so i can actually DO something with ym life. I want to change something, i dunno I just want to do something great. I want to be happy and i want to be me being happy but i want the me thats me to be a little bit different and not simply the normal everyday me. Do i make sense. Anyhow, i have to go now but i took pictures of me dressed up in my Kyo cosplay outfit that i finished yesterday. Jamatane~
yeah still feeling miserable. and i have to wonder... when does it all end? i mean... when do i get to actually enjoy life. but maybe i am.. i mean... i have nothing to be sad about. but i cant help this feeling. its like its deep inside and i cant get it out no matter how great things get. :/ but whatever... tiime for random things. you know i blame my upsetness on plastic tree. its ryutaro and his singing.
XDDDDDD great, ne?
XDDDD poor shasha :o but im die's whore. XDD okay.. lets try that agian. :P
XDDDDDD im dating toshi!~ ^^
WOOOWW~~~~ me and my ryu-san!~ XDDD i love you ryu!~ ^^ your so great. :p but cheer up, ne? your life cant be as bad as mine!
XDD
o-o' odd
hmmm i feel like ive done these agian. XDD but kyos a seme!~ XDDDDD
XDDDDDD i married You!~ XDDDDD poor gakuto
o-o' we met on a street corner!~! XD but we're still friends, aww... kawaii!~
OMMGGG!!~~~ i <: REN!!! hes just the CUTEST!~ and hes a bassist, which makes him rule even more@~ ^^ >
o-o' too much detail!~ XD
XDDD poor shinya
XDDDDDDD *hugs kyo* your so terrblel!~
:x mouu... but i wanted to be with my kyo or ryu.. ah, welll... manas okay too. ^^
XDDDDDD that is just WRONG!!! on SO MANY LEVELS!~ .. ... ... i wonder if anyone has actually written one? XDD
aww... im friends with gakuto-san!~
XDD well.. thats all for now!~ ja mata!~
you cant take my dreams from me, for they are mine and mine alone.
read this -- Kera: How would you like to be told by someone that they love you? Kyo: I would like them to say it mixing dialects. "I like you" or something [tk: in Hakata dialect (Hakata is in northern Kyushu)]. I want them to say it in a way I've never heard before. Can I say sarang hae? :P haha I can make him go crazy by saying tt in Eng and Chinese.. lol
Kera: On the other hand, what about when you tell someone? Kyo: If I try to do it, well, I just can't budge- absolutely not! Even if I think, "I want to try and talk to that girl," I'm not able to do that.
Kera: That's to say, the other person must come and talk to you? Kyo: I don't meet anyone by that technique. I just let time pass me by without making a move (laughs). I'm very pessimistic, so if I talk to a girl, and she is cold to me, it wounds me 5 times worse than it would other people. That's why the other person doesn't even approach me! Most people will take that chance many times [of approaching someone they like], but in my case, I try to avoid being hurt. It's a problem of pride! Aww... Kyo-i(not me, it's what i call Kyo affectionally wahaha~) is so cute and sweet!
Kera: Conversely, if you are approached by a girl you don't like very much, what would you do? Kyo: I would be direct about it. "You are gross!" or something like that [tk: It's not so mean when Kyo says this in Japanese, but "gross" is the best word I could come up with. I idea is sort of like "you make me feel uncomfortable"]. For me, `live honestly' is my motto. When you like someone, you are not supposed to mind that person's bad points, but I won't do that. I hate the things I hate. For me, no matter how ideal a girl may be, if I come home and she's raising cockroaches, that's horrible, isn't it?
Kera: That kind of girl doesn't exist (laughs). When you meet, what type of girl do you like? A focused girl? A girl who likes to talk? Kyo: All different types. All kinds, from easygoing to cheerful. Oh, but a harsh person would be bad. I have a strong ego, so if the girl is harsh, won't it be like a sword striking a sword? That would bother me.
Kera: Is there a type of person, about whom you say, for some reason, "I'm attracted to this kind of person"? Kyo: If she has a really good personality, isn't any type OK? If I'm having a conversation, and I have some standard [to judge girls by], and the girl's face isn't "the right type", I don't think I would want to talk to her. ?Oh, but I'm attracted to a person who is considerate and observant.
Kera: Do you mean a person who will sew a button on right after it has fallen off? Kyo: And also, wouldn't a person who does that without saying anything about it be nice? I grew up in Kyoto, so I have some old fashioned ideas. As a specific example, I don't want a girl to walk in front of me.
Kera: Are your ideals high? Kyo: I guess they are high.
Kera: For you, Kyo-san, is love not a very important thing [in a relationship]. Kyo: No, if there is no love, it's boring and it would upset me. But love is great (laughs).
Kera: Do you mean there's a connection between love and a desire to create? Kyo: That's right! That energy [from love] breathes life into what I create.
Kera: When your emotions are stirred up by love, do you think you could write a love song? Kyo: I don't want to do that sort of thing. "I am happy, so I will try my best at work," or this kind of feeling is what I would think.
Kera: OK then, Kyo-san, what is your ideal relationship with a girl like? Kyo: If I'm riding the train, I would like it if we could say bad things together about the other passengers. Things like "That person's T-shirt is tacky". While we're riding, until we get off, we'll continue to say these kinds of bad things. In contrast to that, I don't like a girl who would say, "It's bad to say things like that". On the other hand, I want her to follow my lead, so we can act together. For example, if I say, "That person is bald!" the girl would go right up next to him, hanging on to the strap, and say "He's bald!!" (laughs). A girl who did that for me as I am thinking "I want to get off" would be the best. And if she also doesn't walk in front of me- well, if that girl exists, I'll try hard to please her! I can't even imagine if someone were to do such a superb thing for me?
Kera: Would you end up telling her? [tk: I thing she means would Kyo tell the girl that she is wonderful]. Kyo: Yeah, probably.
Kera: What about your ideal love? Do you want to be together all the time, or do you not think about this? Kyo: My personal time is important to me. When I'm alone my work (=band) comes before everything else. Since a while ago, when I meet girl, I say to her "Work is the most important thing to me, so you won't be the most important". It's hopeless if she doesn't understand that. If I'm writing a song and a girl calls and says "Whacha doing?" I'll think "Whaaaat? (angry)". I think I would make a tight fist. It's that I hate interruptions.
Kera: And lastly, what are your thoughts on marriage? Kyo: Marriage, yeah; isn't that an issue concerning the other person's feelings? About things like the wedding and the reception, it's not necessary to have many people attend. I would like to be married at a temple. The would be a 2 o'clock mokutou [tk: silent prayer]. Isn't that tasteful! And there's no need to wear wedding clothes either. If your everyday clothes are neat, that's fine, I think. Some people say, "The ceremony has to be at a church" and "You need to wear a wedding dress"- I hate people who are bound by conventions.
Kera: Certainly, it seems it's not necessary to worry about clothes. Kyo: But if you want to look pretty? How about blue fish? [tk: what is Kyo's obsession with blue fish? He mentions it in "Mr. Newsman" too!]. Ocean fish is pretty, isn't it? It would be nice if you hollow out the inside and wear that. It's certainly pretty, and it's blue! Well, if just fish doesn't cut it, wouldn't it be nice if you put on a flower pattern badge (laughs). [tk: So Kyo couldn't go cold turkey on giving crazy answers ^^]
Kera: That's absolutely a joke (laughs). Kyo: No, thereabouts, if I see something flying by, I'll say "Really?" (Whole face breaks into happy laughter)
*sighs* so what do you think?
exactly
kyo isn't my kind of person. for one... it seems he likes confident people. and well... yeah. im so lacking in that department its not even funny. and he says he dislikes it when people turn him down, but he doesnt seem too nice about how he turns people down, and if i really liked someone i wouldnt tell them, but if i ever got up the courage, it would mean i really seriously liked them alot... and if it was him... and he said what he said he would in the interview.. it would hurt so much. im just so cared. :x not that id ever have to worry about this or anything. i have the same problem he does, i wont tell people, its a problem of pride. ^^ like him. but thats bad... too,,, :x he also says he hates the things he hates. i hate being hated y anyone.. i know that sounds lame. but it makes me really sad if someone hates something about me. i always try to change it for them. but then im not myself... and i want to be myself... but if that person doesn like something about me i'll try to change. despite all i say about wanting to be myself.. that is who i am. :/ and sadly i think kyo would hate alot about me. :/ he also says he ahs a strong ego. err... he has a big ego.. :/ sadly. people like that make me sad. just because im intimidated easily. :/ but i dont think he could be all that bad... mou.. he's just saying this stuff.. it doesnt mean anything.. right? :/ im feeling miserable all ready. he also says he likes people who are considerate and observant. :/ he'd hate me~ im not either. at least, i dont think i am. im mean. :/ *sighs* i hope kyo finds someone perfect. ^^ because i think he deserves it. o-o' he says he doesnt like a girl to walk in front of him. but i dont like to walk in front anyways. its easier to follow... but id like to walk next to him... you know? so i could see him. not just his back. ^^ hehe, i would love to act goofy with kyo. and make fun of other passengars. i would tell him its mean. i do stuff like thata ll the time. ^^ but i wouldnt go up to one... oh i dont mknow.. if kyo was with me, i would. lol ... he also says he hates interruptions. :/ but i guess i can see that... i guess... mou... but i would love to pop in now and then and bring him lunch or annoy him just a bit or something. but i think he wouldnt like that. :/ he says his work is most imporatant and okay, i understand that. and obviously i guess he hasnt been in real love, or maybe my sense of love is warped, but i think that when you truly love someone with all of your heart... they're all that matter. but i know his work is important. just like mine would be. i know i would but my work before a boyfriend, but if i loved someone... i dont know then. i would act impulsivley, most likely. :/ he also hates people who are bound by conventiosn. like he says. lol. and i agree with him there. i think people should do what they like.. well in reason.. so overall... kyo is a confident person who thinks highly of himself and takes his work very seriously and also likes people who are confident and who will... kind of do what he says. (well, he doesnt like them to walk in front of him :?) mou... im so not like him or what he likes. oh well..
ah, kuso agian. its stupid to even think of kyo. XD i mean, i hate looking at reality. its so cold, you know? wouldnt it be great to just "sleep forever" mou... if only. i mean.. my head tells me to stop thinking such stupid thoughts and concentrate on whats important, but part of me just wont listen to my head. its like... something in me knows i could actually go... :/ and maybe not be with kyo. XD stupid thoughts agian!~ waah!~ i hate circles!~ 0 but really... it'll never happen. :/ sadly,. and as much as i would seriously love it to happen.. kyos just... too intimidating. :/ i think i would be hurt by him alot. not him meaning to or anything. its just people with strong egos scare me. alot. lol. and he seems... like he .. like hes very ... umm... foward with his feelings of dislike for a person. and i couldnt handle that. y'know? like... i would like it to be done indescreetly. or however that word is spelt. :/ eehh... maybe some day i'll meet someone. ^^ but he seems to go on looks alot. :/ mou... maybe if i were really pretty, really nice, really humble, but confident at the same time, and i walked behind him -__-' he would like me! XDDDD yeah, not me at ALL!~ ;-; bleh... whatever. i still think hes very nice looking.. but that wont make me love him . sorry kyo hun. youve gotta have more than looks for me. ~__' :p and i know you do. but i dont think we're compatable. but who knows. maybe someday i will!~ hopefully.
i love plastic tree soo much!~ its not funny anymore. :x they are seriously great. even if they arent as popular as SOME visual bands... but wait... is pura turi really a visual band? :/ hmm.... i suppose they are. in some ways. :/ i just love their music... it makes me so... .. its me!~ its like the music is who i am. weird, huh? dir en grey is too loud to be me... really... but i love them as much as pura turi if not more. but plastic tree is so perfect. ^^ thankyou plastic tree!~ XD i feel weird thanking them... but really, i have to...
anyhow... :/ today was an okay day. i spent most of it inside my own head. which is funny because i was busy all day. but i couldnt stop thinking!~ argghh... have you ever tried to not think and then realise that trying to think about not thinking is really thinking in itsself wooow i confused even myself. XD
*sighs* i need a change agian. i dont know why. i just do, you know? hmm... whatever.
i went shoppin for my kyo cosplay outfit today. i found everything i need... i just need 40 bucks. :x which i have but i dont want to spend. XD :/ oh well... maybe i can look some more tomorrow. ^^ i hope i can. then i went to the mall saw the one and only oishii-chan. ;-; hes so cute. then i called sha when in charoltte ruse to tell her i found the perfect jacket for her then she told me she had seen it but couldnt get it so we talked for a bit while i shopped then i had to go... so then i went home and watched a weird and i mean WEIRD movie i had rented last weekend. :x so weird.
then... i played ddr... and just did nothing. hmm... ^^
plastic tree is so great. *sighs happily* i could die listening to them and be happy. i wish i could be friends with them. i cant wait to move somewhere on my own. its going to be scary... but im excited. whenever i think about it, i get this anxious feeling that i love. like something scary but exciting is just around the corner. hehe. XD im so weird... oh well!~ ^^
sometimes i wish things were as easy as they used to be... you know? when life was simple? when everyone was good and happy... :/ memories are painful. yet i dont know what id do with outthem.
have you ever wanted to be someone else? i do. i want to be someone different, just to see what its like. but i guess im okay with being me for now. y'know? i would have loved to have grown up in japan. or something... but then i wouldnt know the people i do now. or would i have? :/ so confusing. but i suppose theres no real way to know.
i wish i had the lyrics to this song.
its perfect for what mood im in. im feeling thoughtful.
oh, and just to clear something up, im not mad at any of the people whomight check this blog. i dont even know the persons /n one of my friends thought i was had at her, but im not. the person im somewhat being annoyed by is a girl named anji, you probably dont know her, i dont talk about her alot. and were not really close, but shes always looks down on me. like im not as smart as she is.. its annoying, but i think thats just how she is. i feel bad for her too though because santi always makes fun of her. :/ i guess she does bring some of it on herself, but still... anyhow...
i guess ill be back later. -shi, who thinks life is far too repetitive and believes she needs a change, and soon.
whee!~ its saturday morning!~ and where are you going?! well, if your me... your not doing anything all day... except... maybe a bit of shopping here and there. ah, i have finally decided that i am going to definetly graduate next year if possible. i really want to for some odd reason. my mom thinks its because i want to get to japan faster. XD one year isnt that much faster hon. but really... i just want to get out on my own. not so i can "be without my parents~ omg!~" no, because i feel like i want to be independent more than anything else. im not sure why. i just do, maybe everyone wants that, but i know i really do. ^^ anyhow.... whe!~
i hope i can go shopping today. ^^ wouldnt that be great? i think i might be able to go to some thrift stores to look for my kyo shirt. if not my friend sha said her mom can sow some stuff onto a mornal button down to make it look like kyos; ^^ yay!~ thanks sha!~ your so great!~ hehe
anyhow, i talked to ts last noight. it was fun. we just chatted for a few minutes over aimn, but it had been so long since i had talked to him...
oh!~ guess what!! i finally did it!~ i lost weight!~ YAY!~ because i can fit very nicely into these pants i had gotten from gap that were a size 0 but when i got them they were a little tight and now they fit just fine!~ ^^ i wonder how much i weight though. :x but sha said weight doesnt matter its more waist size and such... ANYHOW~!~
god im hungry. XD
hmm....
i dont think im mad anymore really... i just have to accept people for who they are. ;-; i wish i could still talk to samantha L. though. (different person than Ai-san) she was so nice!~ :/ but shes always dancing so i never know when she has any free time and all... oh wel, maybe sometime this summer! ill invite her to my birthday party.. ^^
OH!~ i miss cloud!~ ;-; i still want to go see him this summer, along with ace and ju hoipefully, and yes... even rin. XD
lalala........ well im gonna go now!~ ja mata ne!~
-kaikai~~ XD who is very cheerful and genki this morning despite all negative feelings around her
ph!~ i took some pictures of my hair yesterda so ill put them here when i get a chance to load them.
hehe, so today was a good day, but theres some stuff i need to type later but first, about this day
okay, so this week sucked. yes, it did. but ill tell you why later i suppose... however, today made this week seem great!~
i went to school, blah blah... went to class... not much fun. acted weird at lunch with cara britt sha and chi. had fun... then i went to classes blah blah. haha, laughed my ass off, literally, i couldnt stop laughing in spanish class. ah, no matter how bad my day is or how madi am at people, ruthie and chelsi are always so funny and great to be around. i can be in the WORST mood from 7th period and then see them and be happy! XD weird, huh? theyre just so funny and nice. :D
anyhow, after school me and sha were gonna go to anime club, right? well... we get there and its cancelled, so i called my mom and she came to pick us up. so we went to my house and looked at pictures of dir on my compu chatted, we have SO much in common. ^^ then we practiced guitar. i tried to teach her some stuff... but it wasnt easy... THEN we started singing morning musume songs~ XDD cause were gonna start a morning musume group and all, y'know? ^^ it was SO much fun. hehe i loved it. she can sing really well!~ i havent had that much fun since forever... or 8th period. :p anyhow... then we started to watch some dir en grey videos, and by then it was already ;ike... 6 so we decided to go see 13 going on 30. it was SO CUTE!~ omg!~ ^^ i loved it. hehe... then we took her home.
it was just alotta fiun. me and sha get along really well. ^^ im glad shes my friend and bandmate. hehe. i cant wait to cosplay with her!~ :D its gonna be so great and yes you can put eggwhites in my hair.
anyhow... about what made this week crappy. well, im mad at someone. i dont know why really... they just seem to be making me mad. in a weird way. i dunno why. they just do, y'know? like... i dunno. i find them annoying. dont worry sha, its not you or cara or britt or caryn. though caryn... no more bopping my over the head... oh wait... that was kaitie. :p nevermind caryn. its like when i say something theyre like looking down on me. i mean, its like i want to scream "shut up, you dont know more than me no matter HOW much you think you do. *ahem*" y'know? i dont think im conceited... do you think i am? if you do, your stupid. sorry, but you just are. because im not even thougb i may seem like. my self confidence is zip, just ask anyone who really knows me. fuck you. but whatever, i dont really care. ive got other friends so its like im going to die (XD die :P) if i lose one. though it would be sad. ^^ im so glad i have jenny though,. hehe. i can always depend on her. ^^ anyyyhoww...
i had a great time with sha!~ ^^ so im gonna go now~~
-shi!~!sama NOT shi~chan! 0 who is mad at certain people and so glad she knows other people!! :DD
ommmg, plastic tree is the greatest!~ i love them so much!~ ryutaro!!! and aki!~ and tadashi~san!~ i dont care if they're 30+ they're all so hott. hehe. i just wish i knew the new drummers birthday and more about him, y'know? but anyhow...
this weekend ai san spend the night on saturday. ^^ it was fun. we watched the suicide club which was oddly good and so weird. i still dont understand it all... and then on sunday we went up to the interntation festival. it was fun too.. we found really hott asian guys ^^ they were really cute. and i got a parasol. tho now i wish i would have gotten jenny one. :/ maybe the next festival i go to i will get her one. ^^
anyhow, i was sick yesterday cause i was out in the sun too long without drinking enopugh. it ALWAYS happens to me. but at least i didnt get sunburned badly like cara and ai. :p they looked like tomatoes. but me, i just tanned a whole lot. ;-; i HATE i DESPISE tanning.
but anyhow, im in another dilemma, well... caras going to ask josh, which is good, but i dont think im gonna ask chris to the banquet, and i dont want to be the ONLT one with out a date, but i guess i could take matthew or zach... :/ its just id rather take someone that i like... y'know? anyhow
im signing up for classes over the summer so i can graduate next year, hopefully. ^^ i cant really think of anything...
OH!~ i love nichole!~ shes so nice!~ she always writes me notes!~ hehe,m i feel loved. ^^ and she loves dir en grey too now!~ weve been trading links and images for weeks now. ive gotta make her some dir stickers too. ^^
well... my pura turi cd came in yesterday and they are only the greatest band ever!~ ommgg... i cant stress to you how much you need to go and download their music!~ they absolutely rock! ^^
tomorrow i have an anime staff meeting. ^^ and i need to take maggie back her sandman comics, ive had them for ever. ;-; i feel bad but i havent been able to finish them all... i finally did though. ^^
well, iill post!~ WAITTT!
jenny called me!~!! theres going to be a "series of unfortunate events" movie coming out!! YAYYY!!! WAFOO!~ (XDi got it from nichole) im SO excited. i love jenny!~ shes the greates ever!~ :p i hope i can see her this weekend. lol.
;-; ihavent talked to cloud in months... or a month.
ommmg, plastic tree is the greatest!~ i love them so much!~ ryutaro!!! and aki!~ and tadashi~san!~ i dont care if they're 30+ they're all so hott. hehe. i just wish i knew the new drummers birthday and more about him, y'know? but anyhow...
this weekend ai san spend the night on saturday. ^^ it was fun. we watched the suicide club which was oddly good and so weird. i still dont understand it all... and then on sunday we went up to the interntation festival. it was fun too.. we found really hott asian guys ^^ they were really cute. and i got a parasol. tho now i wish i would have gotten jenny one. :/ maybe the next festival i go to i will get her one. ^^
anyhow, i was sick yesterday cause i was out in the sun too long without drinking enopugh. it ALWAYS happens to me. but at least i didnt get sunburned badly like cara and ai. :p they looked like tomatoes. but me, i just tanned a whole lot. ;-; i HATE i DESPISE tanning.
but anyhow, im in another dilemma, well... caras going to ask josh, which is good, but i dont think im gonna ask chris to the banquet, and i dont want to be the ONLT one with out a date, but i guess i could take matthew or zach... :/ its just id rather take someone that i like... y'know? anyhow
im signing up for classes over the summer so i can graduate next year, hopefully. ^^ i cant really think of anything...
OH!~ i love nichole!~ shes so nice!~ she always writes me notes!~ hehe,m i feel loved. ^^ and she loves dir en grey too now!~ weve been trading links and images for weeks now. ive gotta make her some dir stickers too. ^^
well... my pura turi cd came in yesterday and they are only the greatest band ever!~ ommgg... i cant stress to you how much you need to go and download their music!~ they absolutely rock! ^^
tomorrow i have an anime staff meeting. ^^ and i need to take maggie back her sandman comics, ive had them for ever. ;-; i feel bad but i havent been able to finish them all... i finally did though. ^^
well, iill post!~ WAITTT!
jenny called me!~!! theres going to be a "series of unfortunate events" movie coming out!! YAYYY!!! WAFOO!~ (XDi got it from nichole) im SO excited. i love jenny!~ shes the greates ever!~ :p i hope i can see her this weekend. lol.
;-; ihavent talked to cloud in months... or a month.
"/ anyhow, i think certain people are mad at me cause we dont talk much anymore. ;-; it makes me sad... to lose someones friendship because friendship means alot to me. but i guess if its meant to happen then it will...
i really miss ts. so much right now but i have to be strong. i have to just... let him do what he wants i cant forve him to stop doing drugs. but i dont want to be around him when hes on them. i just wish hed stop. because it hurts so fucking much. i hate seeing him going through this and knowing theres nothing i can really do. i hate seeing him hurt... but i cant make him happy. its so hard for me and i dont think anyone quite understands. ijust dont see why he wont accept the help thats staring him in the face.... but then i wonderdoes he really want that help? maybe he doesnt. but he needs it. i wish he would just go back to the way he was a year ago.... :/
anyhow, im in a sort of dilemma.. :/
aww cra. blurry eyes just came on. ;-;
anyhow... about my dillemma... okay, i like this guy right? and his name is chris, and iv e liked him since... last yeah. i think ive talked about him... anyhow... hes so shy and cute. ^^ but anyhow... we have a drama abnquet coming up... and i want to ask him to go with me... but i never really talk to him. i mean, i know hes a good guy... but hes so shy i dont think he has alotta friends... but ims cared hed say no.. :/ but i really like him... ive just NEVER asked nyone out. i never even tell people i like them. i prefer to keep tjhings like that to myself. or close friends. but i really want to aks him.. because i want to get to know him.. i think it would wor... i just hardly ever talk to him... :/
anyhow about this week
it wasnt any better than the last i cant wait for school to get out. i want to go somewhere far away still.XD
but i had guitar lessons on thursday ^^ it was fun. he taught me part of jessica and then i went to get my hair cut!~ its so short@~ i i wub it XD.
my friend nichole is so great!~ she made me kyo magnets and is making me a dir en grey shirt. isnt that so nice?!~ shes so sweet!! thanks so much sha-sha~san. ^^ thats her nickname. oh, shes also my bandmate.
we need a band name i think were gonna be - "Death Doom Destruction" but thats long so our "nickname" will be "d^3" or "d to the 3rd" ^^ i think its neato sounding
well... tomrrrow i go volunteer at the int festival with cara!~ yay! hehe. ill update later.
-shi!~sama who thinks people are mean and cruel. but is glad that certain people are in her life. ^^
"Faking a smile and its worse than the maddess" "stifling my tears i laugh day after day"
on tuesday... well, lets just say... tuesday was a bad day. but it wasnt bad in the sense that some thing bad happened then, this wole last week and this week have just been so hard for me. you have no idea what its like to.. to lose your best friend the way i have . or... maybe you do. but im going to think you dont. i mean, i dont want pity and i dont feel sorry for myself... but the pain just wont go away. the trust i placed in him... well... he didnt keep it. i reallt DID trust him and i stood up for him SO many times when my mom would accuse him of things... i never thought he was truly a bad person, just that he sometimes did bad things...
well... on tuesday... i had to smile all day. i had to laugh i had to joke around i had to pretend i was fine... when really... i just wanted to stay hom eand cry. i wanted to curl up... i wanted to TELL someone how i felt... but i just couldnt. i never can. i can never express my feelings of saddness or grief or depression or ANYTHING around people. i mean.. sure i can get upset over little things... and do that jokingly. but i really cant open up to people. this blog is the only place i really express myself. weird huh? anyhow, i just hope no one reads this. XD if you do... well, dont think im suicidal or anything, im not. sometimes i just have to get out all the pent up emotions and feelings i have inside
anyhow... i couldnt take it anymore... and i had drama club.. so went to that... and then my mom came to pick me up and i was feeling SO miserable by then that i just started crying in the car... i think i scared her too. because i dont usually do things like that. she didnt ask me about it. so i think she understands... its just so hard for me.
he was my best friend... but now... its like overnight i dont know him anymore.. god it hurts so fucking much. we even said we love each other, and i dont use that term losley with people. look, when i say love... i dont mean.. like... OMG! i love you! lets be together forever. no, i mean a friendship love. at least, to me that whats it is. .. i love him like a big brother... and he IS like one... to me. but now... hes just done SO many things... im scared for him and for me. i just wish things could go back to the way they were.
"no matter how much you cry the memories cannot be relived"
i miss jenny and TS and True Cross so much it hurts. i want to be with my bestfriend all day long agian. whenim around my friends sure i enjoy it. cause i love you guys too.. but jenny and TS just made me SO happy. i cant express it in mere words...
anyhow.. im just having a hard time... its hard for me right now. but i hope things get better. i really do.
but now... i know i can bever trust anyone agian. i think ive completely shut people out from being trusted. i dont trust anyone... except for maybe jenny, because shes never hurt me in any way.
someday i might be able to trust someone with my emotions and tell them everything the way i told ts everything. and i did. when i say i cant open up to people, that excludes jenn and ts. but... now i dont have him anymore.. i do... but its just not the same. he lied to me so much. i want to forgive and forget... but its just not going to work that way. i forgive him. but i cant forget what happened and what he did.
i miss people. im glad i have jenny i wish i could still have ts im glad i have new friends too and im glad i have something to live for. but i wish i could open up to people i wish i would jump at chances i wish i could be mtself but maybe the real me is like this... maybe i want to be someone else... :o so confusing
well, lets talk about happy thinggs... err...
my friend nichole likes dir en grye now too!~ yay! and we... well me her and caryn are going to buy a 3 bed room house in japan, or an appato. when we graduate! :D and we will all have fun!~ hehe, i cant wait you guys@~ your the best ever!~ :D
well... i cant think of1! WAIT!
my Pura Turi cd is coming soon! :D
and im getting my hair cutt tomorrow, its gonna be short short short. like... uberyly... :p
anyhow... im ordeing more jrock cds.
-kai/shi who wishes life could be how it was a few years ago.
"you know when you have those days? you just cant laugh."
the past few days, since thursday afternoon have been hell for me. and i really mean that. i cant really explain it all now, but i will when i update agian tonight.
lets just say... by best friend was almost taken from me on thursday and if that had happened, i probably wouldnt be here to type this either.
the worst things have happened since then, and i cant find my gauze cd.
but some good things happened to... im just a mix of emotions right now. i guess i'll put more here later. along with some pictures.
-kai / shi / d.a
my love for kyo has grown so much. as well as my love for ryutaro. im kind of scared... because at times i actually forget i dont know them. its really scary and you have no idea. maybe im going insane now.. :x but really... if only i could. i almost cried today because i realised how FAR away they are from me. and that i cant go see plastic tree in concert eben thought i know where to get tickets and where its going to be and waht day and time and everything... i just cant. and my the time i get to japan, im sure they';; disband. they're already in their mid 30's or late 20's. :/ if only i could. its funny... how you can not know a person but feel so close to them. and feel like you could spend forever with them. i wish i could just get to know kyo and ryu. it would be so great to be able to call them on the phone and just chat... but i guess that wont ever happen.
oh, i ate today. it felt nice to actually eat. ive only been eating a snack at lunch and in photojournalism for a week or so. and i think it caught up with me today. :/ ive also noticed that if i dont eat alot, then sleepier and have to sleep alot more. well.... ill post agian tonight.
there alot i need to say and ill say it all later on.
anyhow, i have alott o post, its been so long and i wanted to update last night, but noooo it wouldnt let me. stupid thing
ANYHOW. lets start with last week. it was normal and boring.
now lets go on to the weekend
the WEIRDEST thing happened on saturday. okay, so i went to the mall, right... and im with my mom and its all good and stuff. we're shopping and i run into brittnee in the food court. well, theb my mom says "lets go" but im like "no! bookstore! now!" but she wouldnt go with me, so i went alone... anyhow, i walked past this stand where a guy was selling jewlrey, y'know... like... surfer like stuff at those vendor things they have..
well, i didnt pay much attention and i just walked in browsed around, wished i had 10 $ for gravitation 5. so anyhow... i leav the store right.. and have to walk back past the stand..
well, the guy says "hey! hey! " and i looked, i was just passing by. and he smiled and waved me over. i was just gonna ignore him... but i then i thought maybe i had something on me or something.. i dunno. so anyhow, he says "hi!" and i was like.. "uh... hi." and then he asked me what grade i was in "are youa junior?" he asked but i said no im a sophomore.. and he was like "so what school do you go to?" and now im just freaking out.. i wanted to run away, but i didnt, im SO proud of myself. so i told him clear creek, and he was like, "oh, thats cool. so... whats your name?" and i WAS NOT going to give him my real name so i almost said Shi, then wondered if he knew japanese and said Kai instead. but he thought i said kara, and i had to spell Kai for him to get it right. So anyhow, his name is alex. and we shook hands and smiled and then i LEFT. it was scarryy... ive never had that happen... okay... not really... at least, not when i was alone. anyhow, he wasnt old or perverted or anything. he looked around 20-23. he was actually kinda cute, but too old. :x anyhow, that was scary and im never going off alone.
anhow... i spent the rest of my saturday with mylittle cousins off in the woodlands. i took them to the park and then i realised i want to have twins! :D two boys. with kyo when im OLDER. not now of course. i didnt used to want kinds... but i think Ai's tlalk about kids has made me want to have twins. XD o well.. anyhow, i got home late
OO! OO! i went to nicholes party on friday it was fun and i also went to see the Prince and Me with my best friend ever! jensis! hehe, it was great. i love her sooo much. shes the funniest person i have ever met. i feel so compfortable around her. :D
anyhow, on sunday i went to the japan festiva,l with Ai. it was ALOT of fun. i'll put pictures here when i get around to cropping and uploading them all. that will be... soon. i hope. i got to dress in a yutaka... i think thats how you spell it... anyhow, it was fun oo! and someone took a picture of my socks!~ XD it was funny i also saw cara and Mer there. :D
nyhow, im sleepy
im ready to grow up. i think.. fi want to be on my own.. maybe its this book. and its not that i dislike my parents, actually... we get along well, most of the time... i just ... want something to change. i want to move to japan on my own now.. maybe in 3 years i can.
-kai . shi. who is genki now and also needs a band name so she is taking requests. :D
